Survived, But Not Forgotten
By Pamela Jordan Lee
Owner, Sir Max

Once again I am going to share with you my feelings on raising a son from a former abuser and how over the years the pain can still have an affect on you today When we are young and in love we never stop and think of what tomorrow will bring less alone 20 years ahead.  Once I had the abuser out of our lives for good and he lost all parental rights I was elated. I could move on with my life.  I did move on and yes it took many years to undo all the damage.  But the one thing I never thought about was since I was raising my son there was no way he was going to act like my ex. Right! "Wrong" someone forgot to tell me about those damn heredity genes that no one can change.

Thru the teenage years I started to notice that my son had some character tics of the ex. Besides looking like him. He could lie like a Philadelphia lawyer, smooth talker to ladies and fine as can be.   Well the ex was not that good looking.  Sometimes I found myself hating my son for just looking like him, and yet I knew I could not hold that against him.  There were at times that my son would speak to me in a tone that I thought it was the abuser and immediately I have a defensive attitude.   Back when I would think about my abusive past I would relate them to Vietnam flashbacks.  The shit pissed me off and I was ready to fight but fear of the beatings frighten me the most.

I was speaking with a friend recently and we were talking about the articles I write. And she spoke of an incident between the abuser and me that she had remembered. I truly had forgotten about this particular incident but once she spoke about it I could visualize it like it just happened. I was stunned at the sad, inner feeling I had, especially since that happened over 20 years ago. 

As time has passed over the years, there is one more incident that has affected me that I never thought about.  For me I cut all ties to my ex and his family I never had to worry about visitations or in-law, but once again I was shocked that now my son was 18 a close relative was having phone conversations with the ex abuser just if they were one big happy family. They thought this is just great that my son was spending time with the ex and his many out of wedlock children.   Not one time did anyone ever consider my feeling bout this?  Old times opens old wounds.

When I speak to young ladies today about relationships, pregnancy and abuse, the first thing I point out is the long-term affects of a broken relationship. Truly some of the situations that I have experienced recently never crossed my mind.  I am thankful that now I am strong and confident woman who can handle these new uprisings in loving and positive manner.